3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
