For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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