dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
