I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
