Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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