I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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