everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
