I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
