i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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