if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
