Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
