Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
