Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
