Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
