I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
