I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
