if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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