Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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