Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
