you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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