so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I touched a dick in church today
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
