Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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