yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
