My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
