So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
