just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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