if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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