Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
