I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
