you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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