I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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