SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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