Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
