as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
