Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just gift wrapped bread.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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