alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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