absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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