I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
