we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
