shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
God, I missed his penis.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
