What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
