i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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