Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
