I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I wish there were birth control emojis
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
