my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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