We named our party play list daddy issues
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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