When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
