I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
