omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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