If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
